Letter to her .

here i am, 4 months after my first post, and the way things have changed are too much to take in.. reasoning why i began to blog, and connecting it to how i felt 4 months ago.. things fell apart.

so what happens when your left waiting for something you said you'd never wait for? were both waiting for something right?its not enough to say i'll never wait for anything, because in the end.. if i wait for nothing i might never get what i want now. i now know you'll never "come around". i dont even know if im prepared to fix things the way i dream about them being. you and i will never be what we once were, ever again.

i can't say you've moved on, because i dont know your feeling. regardless of what i know i cant begin to take in, i know that since i've been gone this enormous emptiness has tore open inside of me. i know deeply you took a piece of me with you, and i cant seem to understand if i'll ever be the same without them. coming from someone who though she had experienced love before, this is all still new to me.

i remember fighting into tears, making ourselves sick. enough sometimes to say "your not good for me" and those moments you cried in my arms, was it hard? i what you to know that i never cried to anyone in my life before. ever. as i sat there the whole time in front of that building watching you, i was holding it all inside. when it finally came out, it hit me so hard. i realized i was at my end and i couldnt possibly be more in love with you. I didnt want to let go when you hugged me, I didnt want to push you away but at that moment, you had broken me ad i didnt know how else to try to put myself back together. what kind of love did we have? are you glad this is over, are you happy right now?

sometimes i remember all the ex's, the "friends" i'd bitch about but got used to you having. it all makes no sense since you've make it more than clear that we will never be friends. so what makes me so different from them? was what we had to much to keep me in your life at all? you'd rather erase me, than make amends and start from the beginning... if thats even possible. i'm more than sorry if i caused you that much pain. are you hurting? i dot know if i am.. just that pain doesnt live here anymore, only emptiness.

thank you for all those nights you fell asleep with me on the phone. for sitting with me in the park, and traveling numerous amounts of hours home with me asleep on the trains. for stopping in the middle of whatever we were doing, to tell me you loved me. no matter how many amazing memories you left with me, like the row boating experience ill never forget.. know that my favorites are just the days we spent laying in bed. thank you for making me feel like i had everything in the world on those days.

i want you to know the effect you've had on me is to large to explain, but with words too much to even begin right now. enough to write in a letter i'll never send, but read to myself. enough to tell you that sometimes i wake up still reaching for you, but your not there to take me. how the wall beside your bed isnt there to stop me from falling over, and i fall asleep the opposite way because your not next to me..

- india.