love&hate .

so question to all my readers..

is it possible to define love in confined terms?

I wish I could look at her with hatred beaming from my eyes, then it would be safe to say I longer love her. That somehow hate could overcome this love within my heart. But to hate is to with hold feelings. I rather feel nothing. Simply nothing. Hate means my feelings were hurt. Hate means shes renting a space in my head. Hate means I took the easy way out. Hating her relieves me of my feelings. It is easier to admit being angry than it is to be hurt. It is easier to say it meant nothing than to admit that at one point she was everything. It is easier to say the days pass and it gets easier to let go. But it isn't.

Love doesnt quite disappear. & you can tell yourself anything your heart wants to hear. You cannot just arise from bed one fine morning and decide, hey today i dont want to love you. its a lengthy process falling out of love. First you start by blaming yourself. I shouldnt have done this. I shouldnt have said that. I should have done this, went there, said that, cried more, begged harder. Recall every memory and moment. Seen where love fell through the cracks. But honestly, maybe the "magic" was never there to begin with. then you convince yourself its "them", not you. so you hate them. even hate can last for so long. Its tiring. Conscious people come to realization that hate requires enegry. So after tryinfg to convince yourself this person is a horrible human being, you realize that you still in face love this "asshole" then what?

to hate someone you loved, is to surrender your ability to change "love" to a past tense verb.

i have to let her go.

rules for being human .

i read this somewhere & figured i'd share, i find a lot of truth in it. (esp. the ones i highlighted). enjoy.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

crossroads .

"there's gonna be some stuff you gonna see,
that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future.
but through whatever you see,
you gotta keep your sense of humor,
you gotta be able to smile through all that bullshit. "
- pac

making necessary decisions. knowing what i have to do & actually doing-so is hard. 3 years; its time to let go. no longer a mind vs. heart situation. my heart knows what i need. letting go... i've moved thousands of miles away for this....

never again, india never again.

ill be back home soon, hopefully.

realization .

"i can think of everyone from my past, and realize they all share the same thing in common. none of them knew my worth."

honestly, up until recently... neither did i. so im looking back and realizing how i put up all these walls to become this sniper who sat at the top shooting those down who tried to get in. No, it doesnt change the fact that at one point i was okay with hiding everything from everyone. even the things about me, but those days are long over with.

"okay i know what i'm capable of now how do i get her to apperciate it."

fuck her. we've all wondered what to do at that point. what happends when the person you love hurts you constantly? what are your options? yeah you can leave them for good. but what is that fixing? nothing. leaving wont chane whats already happened. i believe its supposed to prevent it from ever happening again, right? but who cares, the damage is already done and its so much easier to go on believeing it wont happen again. right? wrong.f

in the end.. too bad this isnt the end.
will it be worth it?

yes.

im a different person than i was before. i love this new person. i feel alot closer with myself. like i finally know what im capable of. something i'd never let myself experience before.

Love.

love .

there are so many ways i've changed. it amazes me to think that my whole out look on everything has changed, and for what? a girl? it amazes me to know that at one point she hated me for playing with her feelings, afraid to admit i felt the same way.

the tables have turned
but still, i could never hate her.

inside of me i knew it was always there, waiting to be let out. no one has ever pushed it the way she did. she showed me with pain that i had to stop pushing the good people away. the people like her. she knew i'd eventually need her, and i do. i need her, and i need to know were going to be okay.

she's just like me, and thats why i wouldnt let her in.
because i knew what i do to people who let me in,
i leave them.

every part of my body feels different now. the never ending apologies i could give out for everytime ive ever lied about my feelings. before i wasnt sure the state of my heart, because at times i didnt feel it. now every part of it lays in pieces too small to put back together.

i've got to start from scratch.

i promised i'd never allow to hurt over anyone ever again, so i find myself angry at me for doing this to myself. when all is said and done, i was never in love before. so no promises have been broken, just the cold truth presented. we will have to deal with this. the first time feels like forever, they say. the first time is always remembered, they say. but what about the pain in a relationship, when does it go away?

laying in a bed with her, we made.
this time we promised to changed.

never been in love before. so i find myself picking at these feelings, itching and figuring them all out. i need to stop. now im wanting to destroy everything i ever wrote for every girl i've never loved, because i was sadly mistaken. theres no longer any room in my mind for anymore almost loves, this time i feel myself getting crushed. i find my old self fighting the new me, the new person she helped me created and has the potentional to leave alone to find my own way. this time i can feel it in my stomach. taste it in my mouth. my eyes wet everytime i blink, fighting back tears of possibility real loss.

i wasnt the worlds greatest bitch, those were lies and covers.
i was hurting the who time, & was too ashamed to admit she had
captured a part of me no one else ever could.
it wasnt my pride, it was fear.

i find myself asking "what happeneds if i let her in and she leaves?"
"what terrible emptiness will tear open then..?"

i've always been too hardheaded to admit that loss isnt equivalent to the beginning. "i was okay before, so ill be okay now." more lies. after is a eternity, now doesnt end. before is over, beore has become memories that visit me while im in bed sleeping next to her, wanting thing to be okay. no, ill never be the same, but i wish i could show everyone all that we've been through, everything that got in the way and how much we love eachother still. maturity and change have showed me that no ones opinion matters. no ones point or wants are important, just mine. regardless im not longer lying to myself. i love everything from the way the girl smells to the way her hands feel. whatver love is, i've got it. i caught it. & im starting to tell the truth. thats proof enough.

metaphor .

it might not make sense to you.. but let me pick your brain; bare with me..

your favorite glass is broken. what do you? attempt to fix it? glue it back together? isnt that completely unrealistic..?

why?

logically it will never be the same. each piece wont fit back together perfectly as they did before. because everyone will see lines of imperfection. cracks within the glass. we dont take pride in repairing the shattered glass we only see the damage done. why's it so unrealistic to fix something we love or are we so keen to throwing it in the trash?

i want to fix everything.

but maybe it all depends on i that glass was broken right in front of you. or if you were the one that broke it to begin with. theres all these different variables to put into perspective. but of course the first thing we do when we see something is wrong is look for an explanation.

where my hands wet when it dropped?
was i not paying close enough attention?
whose around to blame?
who could have contributed?

no one. so then we cry. because it takes self awareness to cry. because crying makes no one weak, because we cry when already know the answer to whats wrong.

no one cries out of confusion.

then thres the broken glass found with no explination. just there already in pieces. no warning. no accident. perfect as it if where supposed to have happened. just perect. and because you werent there to watch, because you couldnt stop it from happening, it means nothing less than you werent doing your job right? i mean its your favorite so you have been there to protect it. to make sure it was always safe. not disregard it as just another glass. leaving it on a shelf with others exactly like it. because you saw something different in it. because you knew in the end you'd be the one to pick up the pieces, and now they lay in front of you.

except now, you dont know what to do.

so when it falls, and when it shatters. regardless if you tried to catch it or if you were never even there to watch it fall. its broken now. its in little pieces. fuck chooing because schnarios end with the same question..

what to do?

what to do when we've walked into a pile of broken glass which so happends to be the mess we expected to find. shelter in. well, first we forget. we forget that as humans, as normal fucking people. we forget that we're capable of ruining something, of breaking something we love. of hurting.. hurting something that may have been our favorite. we just forget. so sometimes were barefoot and it cuts deep, real deep.

we walk through the glass heading towards the garbage. throwing away what we onced loved, and leaving a scar on our feet.

untitled .

i will mean everything i say, from this point on.

our relationship is diseased. i am constantly driving myself insane picking my brain, figuring out how to make this work. us work. one minute were fine and the next its complete chaos. fighting and bickering -- whats the point. why fix something that's so damaged.

why?

love. love is by far the most overwhelming emotion there is. sadness falls right below. the only thing about sadness is that it get easier with time. love, its always there. when you truly love someone they become apart of you. i wish i could tell everyone who i have ever loved; i was mistaken. this is love.

love is rare, true love is. it changes, it hurts, it endures, it fades, it grows, it leaves a mark, it makes us different people. but its right there. regardless of what ever choices you make.. real love doesnt leave you.

sitting next to her as im tying this.. she's never ONCE left me.

from the moment i met her 3 years ago until now i have never been so focused on one thing my whole life. my heart has never been so devoted. those night arguing into tears. tears into nausea. we had made each other sick. unable to breathe. unable to sleep. unable to eat. repeatedly saying "your not good for me" crying in my arms. while i hold it all in for her, for us. crying to her when i have never cried to anyone my entire life. showing her every emotion i had tried my +20 years to hide. giving her the most fragile part of me. & with that i realized i couldnt have possibly been more in love with her. those nights falling asleep on the phone with while she was a million miles away. from falling asleep with me on the train on my way home at 3am. to now, spending our days in bed together. memories i have with her i will never forget. her face is embedded in my mind. & her laugh is the soundtrack to my life. she makes me feel like i have everything in the world.

i cant imagine my life without her.

how can i let go of something so sacred. something so valuable that is yet gaining the potentional to be so damaging. i feel myself at a cross roads.. what do i do now. i have moved my life from Brooklyn to Arizona and ultimentally to Seattle. with hopes of starting my life, with her. i think to myself sometimes, who would do this?

India.

our fucked up parts about our past is what makes us so strong. real love has no limits and no options. realizing that youll be together until your no longer breathing. love is overrated, that sex love. or that i tolerate you merely because your here & your avaiable love. isnt true. i tend to question myself and my motive in this relationship. but the answer always come to me quickly.

because i love her.

were toxic for each other. we've change both individually. her wants collide with mine. playing ball overseas..? another country, new places. new faces. new life. but me, i've moved a world away. different fucking time zones. for us to work. hoping for a guarantee. that shes in it just as much as i am. apologizing for the mistakes made; letting her know here the hell i am. yet its impossible to get. waiting, for nothing. what do i do? go left or go right. walk away from love. the real deal. but i can imagine walking away from it. constantly wondering, what would i be really leaving behind?

Brooklyn .

born & raised; my home.

Brooklyn - Brook⋅lyn [brook-lin]
a borough of New York City, on W Long Island. 2,230,936; 76.4 sq. mi. (198 sq. km).

i remember (not too long ag0) waiting to get out of here & promising myself i would never come back -- now that i`m away all i wanna do is go back. [eating my words completely].
nothing is like New York & i mean NOTHING. the city, the people, the culture, the diversity is unlike anywhere else. yeah, some cities may have simuliar qualities but nothing is like brooklyn.

i am homesick; by all means. far from home & now i'm realizing how good home is. maybe i am having a severe case of culture shock because i have never been away from the city like this before in my life. On a completely different coast, timezone & everything. Its not like a vacation where i know when im returning. no, this is a move. a lifestyle change. new friends. new job. new school. new enviorment. & im not for sure if i like this enviorment very well. I'm used to the hustle and busle of life -- the quickness. & im out here where the majority of people are more fulent in spanish than english. plam tress and & hot weather. & i just want traffic and snow.

relocating for what..? to make a fucked up relationship work.. me compromising my plans and future because i love her -- and when you love someone you compromise the things you value most for someone else. what has she compromised? im starting to feel unappericeated; its a give and take so, why am always the only one giving...? yet, through it all, i love her.

i wanna go home.

sometimes the grass really isnt greener on the other side.

???*

sometimes you can learn the most about yourself; from people you know the least.


life is interesting...

update later (possibly)