ramblings .

Making reckless decisions for myself. I've realized that when you know your truly in love with someone, it becomes easier to make unusual choices, and move onto things you normally wouldn't.

What could i possibly loose from seeing someone whom I have nothing to give?

In other words, s/he cant steal your heart if someone else already has.

I'm rarely on this anymore. Sometimes I want to sit and write but I'm reminded of all those nights I hold confused, angry, and disappointed memories of... when i felt like this was my only way of speaking.

Now, it feels almost as if I'm changing to quickly to keep up with it. Also, that every time I do sit to write it becomes about this. About what I've gained and what I've lost.

I cannot remember a single time in the past 5 months, where I wrote about anything else or with anything else near in my mind.

I do know I will continue to come back though. On random nights where I want to speak, I'll always have this. because this is where I started. This is where it all started. Where i sat that first night, week, month when words were all I could find.

I'm determined for it to be where I go the night I once again feel the way I never got to explain. And in the archive, are my very own loose thoughts. My ups, my downs all waiting for a spark of small return called happiness. Called comfort. Months of change, and left out struggles to simply live missing apart of the person I love most. Myself.

I will always love you.

no words.

not being able to update this shit because i dont know where to start. 

i feel like everyone wants something from me. Anything. I'm tired, I'm so tired. My brain hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts. I've learned something, again. Just because  I may feel like theres no one in my life, doesn't mean theres no one left to hurt. In reality, the person I've hurt the most isnt around to hurt anymore and I honestly know now that it's hurt me much deeper than I knew. The truth is, I'm hurting a lot of people right now, and I cant seem to figure out how to get out of this. None of this was ever me, I dont know how I got here but I'm so stuck.

Its hard for me to remember how i felt before, when before i was doing nothing but living off how it was before. Time doesnt heal any pain, time just covers it. I'm so fucking tired, I could write a million times over. Im tired, I'm tired, Im so tired.

It was never about getting what I want, I've learned how easy that really it is for me. In the past 7-8 months I've gotten more than I needed. More than I had before, and in the same way less than I ever have. For what? to prove that I could? I'm tired.

Maybe I do need that push, I dont know right now. What I do know is whoever its going to have to come from isnt around. I'm not feeling anything anymore. Im not thinking before I act anymore. I'm just.... numb.