There has to be more...

I just got off the phone with a friend, and it inspired me to blog. I learned a lot about her in our conversation before she had to go into work. She was referring to feelings that she's having. She says that she's a mess. It's funny how you begin to think that you're the biggest mess, and you meet someone who's just as big of a mess how you are. Maybe not for the same reasons, but their heart, their soul, their emotions - just as messy as yours are.

I've never been the person to make myself vulnerable or susceptible to someone else. I've never been the type to put my heart on the line because I've always feared getting hurt. I think everyone experiences that within their life. It's just, some people eventually become capable of pushing themselves, and expressing things that in all simple logic should be expressed. I, on the other hand, have not yet encountered that. In all honestly, I don't think I ever will because everything that happens in my life - whether my fault, or the fault of someone else - involves me hurting in the long run. Human's are meant to hurt. I get that. It's only human to hurt. I know, I know. It's not like I'm running from myself, or my feelings because I can't openly express the way that I feel about someone. It isn't even that I have a fear of rejection, because I do not. If someone rejects me, it's because I'm not for them - and they're not for me. So be it. There are so many more flowers in the field.

I'm kind of distraught, now. I guess, in this short period of time, hearing what she has to say, or how she feels, has made me realize a lot about myself that I truthfully don't think anyone has ever really made me take a look at. So, does it make sense that our conversation didn't pertain directly to me, and I still feel emptied? Maybe you don't understand. Maybe I'm making no sense. But, it takes a lot of courage to look within yourself, and admit to the fact that... you're not truly living, or experiencing. To have to acknowledge that everyday, you're lying to yourself.

Happiness isn't over-rated. I say a lot, that happiness is over-rated, but it's not. I take life so personal. It's just so hard for me to be happy. Especially when I can't help but criticize myself, constantly. Especially when I'm not letting myself just be happy.

I was sitting here, thinking. If I died tonight, God forbid, what have I brought to the table? Who's life have I changed? Who have I taught something to? Who's mind am I going to cross, every single day, once I'm dead and gone? Who is really going to care? Is there going to be someone, who misses me, every single day? Is there going to be someone who feels like now that I'm gone, they're missing the best part of them - their other half? In the long run, who really loves me?

I do an amazing job, of keeping people out. You want to know why? I run. That's what I do. That's all I know. I acknowledge it, okay? I'm human. Maybe I'm not as secure, or as strong as I try to put off. Actually, I'm nothing even similarly close to secure, or strong. I'm constantly vulnerable, and I'm always hanging on, with everything. It's always those, that find some way in - those that I can't fight, that break my heart. It's always those ones, that don't feel the same. It's always those ones that don't want to fight for me, or for us. Then there are the ones who do - the ones that I want to let it, but can not. My heart, it's so stupid. Honestly, if I could rip it out, and throw it into an ocean, I would. Granted, I love feelings. I love happiness, I even love sorrow for helping me see just how happy, happy really is. I don't think someone can know the utmost happiness without knowing the deepest pain. But, as much as I love it all - I really think I'd be better off feeling nothing.

I want to leave. I just want to go. I want to be somewhere, where nobody knows who I am. I just want to leave things, and gain new. I want to teach myself, to allow myself to be happy. To trust someone with my vulnerability, but trust that they'd never abuse the fact that they have complete control over me.