Downloaded MADD mixtapes today & came across his & in love with his entire mixtape.
But this song is my favorite out of the enitre CD..

Now she got me chillen with her all around the clock.
My homies beefin' cause i never come around a lot.
Keep on tellin me I changed things ain't the same..
& ever since she came around I never wanna hang..
They tell me that its foul how a chick will make me switch but man I can't help it dog her mind got me whipped...
She got me loosing my balance.

untitled emotions...

I run from my own anger. This is.. was me. I can be happy about the beautiful things in my life. The small things that make me happy, and those tiny emotions where sometimes I actually feel like every thing's going to be okay. Its not what life throws at us, those aren't the hard things. I've noticed things are okay when I allow them to be. When I stop trying to push towards what I think I may need, or want. I'm always wrong. We're always wrong. The hard part is allowing things to be fine, allowing things to be good.

Your scared of something good because having something good means you have something to loose. Having something good means you'll have to work to keep it. Having some thing good means you may have done some thing right.

Taking the train home yesterday, a homeless man sat next to me. He smelled, and had no teeth. But when I say this man made me smile, smile from my heart. He rambled on and looked to everyone else on the train like a crazy man bothering a bunch of kids.. he told us he had his music and I kept eye contact with him. I stared into the face of a man who to anyone else looked like he had nothing.. and I envied him. I watched him sing, sing a Beatles song. while everyone else on the train closed their eyes or laughed at him. A part of me wished I could be at peace with myself. And there was this man, this dirty homeless man, smiling a smile with no teeth.. & I couldn't help but smile back. I couldn't help but share one of those tiny little moments where I felt like everything was going to be okay.. I felt like every single thing we all think we have to be angry about, everything single feeling we've ever wanted to not feel.. at that moment I could let go of them and listen to this old man on the 6 train at 8pm sing his life to me.

As much as I hate to many ANYTHING about you anymore, I'm tired of feeling like I'm clinging to a distant memory that's long gone. Yes I'm still dramatic, sensitive, completely in love, overly caring person that i never showed you. I'm still that person. I'm scared to show someone else because I fear they wont deserve what I've worked so hard to keep safe. I wanted to show you. I also want you to know I remember.. I remember telling you that I was sorry for never being able to show my appreciation of the things you were trying to do for me. I remember telling you how hard it was for me to show that side of me to anyone. I remember telling you to look at me, how could I appreciate what your trying to do when I'm so angry at my past, & I don't even know why.


So maybe this blog is about 'you' & what was.. About my past that has made me into the person I love and at times hate at the same time. The only man who's everything was enough to make me smile, and that girl.. the girl who taught me how to appreciate, and more importantly to forgive.

We have been separated for so long and having a broken heart takes a lot to get over. she's impacted me so much.

I just miss you.

Thank you..

i miss you OD...

This post is strictly dedicated to my best friend Pamela..

(taken last year for my 20th b.day)

I got to build the most amazing friendship with the most amazing person. Sleepovers so smacked your scared you wont remember all the funny shit we heard. All the nights we went from being the only girls, yo being apart off something real. The bbq's, the beach, the parties, 3am train rides home.. everything. For all those times you sat and listened to me talk about her, and for giving me advice much better than anyone could ever give. For being my nigga, no matter what, and picking up the pieces of my horrible days.

For being an amazing best friend. Understanding that we might not be able to wake up next to each other hungover and sick.. but inside of our responsibilities and commitments, we'll always have each other.

Those summer days I didnt even know who I was. Crying over her, or acting so weak I couldn't stand myself. Being able to go to your house to sleep because I needed to be away from everyone else but close to someone who wouldnt ask any questions yet reminded me in your own way that I was stronger and better than that.

The nights I thought I wasnt going to make it with my mind right, you were next to me saying "your going to be okay, this ain't she we got this" Those Saturday nights. 6am cab rides. Shoeless, feet swollen from dancing or walking 30 city blocks all night & the 40's. Even when sleeping till 4pm the next day had turned into leaving to work a few hours after we got home.. we still had out night baby!

You were they're when I fell in love. With me on that random ass boat ride on the FDR and ALL those days in bed. The type of comfort I never thought I'd find in ANYONE. I hand an amazing winter and a hard summer but all in all you were there. For giving me the sickest reality check something I thought I'd never meet anyone capable of doing. Regardless of whatever happened, for that I'm forever thankful.

All those days I dragged my feet around that building I cant stand. Who made getting out of bed in the morning a lot easier because I knew I'd have someone to talk about everything with durning lunch or smoke and L with after class.



For helping me find myself. Helping me find what I want to do, or how I'm going to do it.. I was scared of fucking up. You were there with me for everything. And just for that, I feel like regardless of what the outcome was... I succeeded.

So thank you Pamela for making up for all my bad days. When I had felt like I had lost everyone I never had. Where I was prepared to do things on my own, and developed that mentality where I thought I didnt need anyone you teaching me that people will always love me if I let them. You helped me grow and learn in every way. There with me to experience things I will remember forever... I miss you, those summers.. winters.. days.. nights.. memories it was all fucking amazing.

Everything in between..

Truth is, love is rare. Real love that is. All this talk about it being overrated, is wrong. Love will, and could never be overrated. Call me an optimist, but your wrong about that too. It hurts, it changes, it grows, it fades, it makes us different people, it leaves its mark. But its always right there. Regardless of weather you chose to be in touch with it or not. Real love, doesn't leave you.

Today I went back to my old neighborhood where I was raised and spent most of my time "growing up". I could believe what I saw. Not a lots changed, every still the same with either a little more facial hair or bigger tits. But what amazed me was how I saw couples together, who were couples when I was in junior high. That "middle school love", had evolved into something amazing, something that took most of these kids into college. I know that most of the couples who were still together, had all been through some shit at one time or another. They've all broken up a million times, or went days without speaking. The fucked up part about their past is what made them so strong. Bottom line is, they all knew that they wanted to be with each other early on. They fell in love, that real love. And what separates them from all other who's love came and went, is what we all seem to lack in our relationships. Honesty, but with yourselves.

Breakups only happen when you allow them to. Deciding your going to be with someone can come at anytime, but I've noticed it's usually when you feel like you can't be with anyone. Being honest with yourself means giving up isn't an option. Hurting isn't temporary, breakups are always a possibility. You love that person, and whether or not you need to be with them is completely up to you, but how you go about that is completely up to you, but how you go about keeping them is far from easy. Nothings perfect, and the harder the love, the farther from perfect your going to get.

Having history with someone, someone you love, mean the world compared to that new love. That new guy, or girl who's love can expire or become someone elses. The real thing has no limits. Has no options, Your going to be with that person until your no longer breathing, and if your into all that after life shit then, your with them too. Its obvious I'm not talking about that I love you because we've had sex love. Or that I have to speak to you today because I'm used to it type love. That's what your talking about when you say its overrated, because it is. Everyone confuses the two, and goes on thinking they've fond love the next time around.

Pointing fingers in other peoples relationships is stupid. The "perfection" or lack there of, could make or break your own relationship. Just blur out all the added difficulties and focus on why your with each other. When you feel like shit cant get any worse or your at the end. Ask yourself why your even with that person. And that real love, that real love always answers. It comes to you quickly.

because you love them.

Sometimes the answers are just to simple to believe. Sometimes its not what we want to hear because we feel as if it isn't enough. But it is. Why, someone tell me why we should walk away from love? Walk away from the real deal? because I cant seem to even understand how anyone could ever, walk away from it. Yes we, we all eventually move on, but what are we really leaving behind..

I have yet to figure it out.

Bitch

I'm A strong female, Yes I'm a Bitch.

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone when I say something I mean.
Do I honestly put too much feelings into my words? Is there a such thing as too much truth? Are yo safe because you already know you'll evidently contradict yourself or break a promise?

Are your own lies keeping you safe from the truth?

I've grown to understand what separates me from the handful of females who put themselves into categories they despise. The ones who love attention, and think by subliminally begging for it they gain some sort of male appreciation status? Then there's the ones who try to be what they cant. Completely disregarding what they might be good at, just to gain the interest of what they've conceived a "good man" wants. The ones who choose to be bitter about past situations, yet complain about living in the past. (we all struggle with it occasionally) The ones who hide being a false identity, ashamed or afraid to let the world know who they really are.

Me?

I can always depend on my thoughts, my actions, and my honest natural response to things to interest men. NO i don't act like a bitch because some guys like it. And No, I don't act like bitch because I want some guy to feel sorry for me as if I'm a piece of glass poorly glued back together.

I show them how strong I am from the get. I don't want until my heart is in their hands to grow balls. My balls are out on the table first day. And if they cant keep up I'm gone by the next.

Brining this back..

Note a few changes in the blog: New look, although its kinda similar to the old one i needed a change. (it still isnt finished) This year has started off extremely rough and i have yet to really fathom how I managed to make it this far. I'm 6 months in and 6 months ago June seemed to be an eternity away. But I'm here... I'm alive.

Although I'm in the exact same place as I was when I first started this blog; which is alone my mindset is different. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Neither are necessarily the best places to be in but both bring growth. & I'm growing.

I find myself going back to this old blog i wrote not too long ago. And it still speaks volumes to me. I figured I'd re post it. Sometimes you need to take a look at where you been in order to find out where you need to go..


Feb 16, 2009:

As humans we quickly forget...

our heart is nothing more than a mere muscle. a muscle must undergo strenuous activity, then the soreness and pain that follows. soon enough, after repeatedly "working out" our muscle it strengthens.

Emotions and past experiences cloud the true purpose of our heart. It is not designed to "bleed love" or to feel a connection towards another. Our heart is composed of the necessary muscles to perform biological functions; pump our blood. Our heart doesn't pump blood for us to live to love another. Our heart doesn't stop beating when we are hurting from emotional distress. Our heart is there to keep us alive.

to live to fulfill our own destiny. to accomplish our own goals. and to succeed in our own future.

its the little things like the illusion of love that would be to stand in the way.

because....

if your heart was really broken; you'd be dead.

i have so many things that are looking up; i cant look down anymore.
slowly but surely, this whole thing will get a lot more easier.

'Me'

"Darlin, forever is a long, long time, and time has a way of changing things."
- The Fox and The Hound

In the year 2009, where does soulmate find its definition?

At the rate of 2/3rds of marriages ending in failure, how could i ever say: "for better or for worst"? My friends tell me to pray for a good husband and looks at me with total awe when I respond in saying I never have. As a matter of fact, the thought never crossed my mind. It seems that once I broke the age of thirteen, fairytale ceased to exists. No, Im not better. and No, I'm not anti-love. I'm just at a more pro-"me" part of my life. To sacrifice my own independence to open the door for this verb called love, would be a pause for my future. Everyday that passes, I remind myself why I wake up to a struggle. That someday I will wake up to a career, not a job. and that eventually, I will not have to set my alarm clock. and at night, I pray for patience to deal with this process. I pray for the strength to provide for myself. I pray for kindness to forever myself for my mistakes. I pray for the courage to appreciate change. And most of all, I pray for God to nourish my soul... and if a mate is never to show up...

I wont need s a v i n g .