Just happen to come across this album
& been playing it HEAVY ever since..

Men vs Women

Sexuality.

I have these questions that keeps reoccurring in my mind constantly..

Just because I had fell for a woman sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically does that make me "bi-sexual/a lesbian"??.

Being with Malia I had enjoyed it more than I had ever enjoyed it with any guy before. Its becoming a problem with anyone who I decided to give myself too after her.. I haven't felt that urge, of something feeling so good but so bad at the same time; a bit unexplainable. Where do I go now? Do I start something exceeding the expectations that I just experienced? Or do I have no expectations at all? I cant help but to think about all those times i was fully satisfied (beyond sexually) with malia whenever something new starts to arise with someone else. That 5 year relationship of up's and down's embedded in my brain that forgetting it wont happen.

Men are completely different than women in a sense, I find that woman are more emotional verses men who have a tendency to be so sexually driven. Although woman are the same (at times) its just different. I'm sure there are men who are emotional but those are far and few between.

I dont find myself 'attracted' to females.. Malia was that "fling" that was never supposed to happen, but did. I see myself married to my husband and the whole 9.... but it seems like I have just taken a step off path..

whatever it is, I'm 21 I have time to figure it out.


(i havent been blogging much so keep up with me on tumblr <-click

Update

There's nothing like loving yourself before anyone else. I'm not saying there isnt room to love others but, I cant explain the satisfaction knowing that I'm comfortable in my own skin. It isnt the easiest thing in the world at times and sometimes I feel I am my worst enemy, and biggest critic, satan in the flesh. But then there are times when I realize what I've been through and what I've sacrificed in order to become the person I am today and it makes me smile. I may not have everything in the world but I love myself and that's more than enough...

&!@#$%*

do you ever just want to scream?

but feel like that wouldn't even do justice to how you felt.... inside.

Dreams

I dream a lot. Almost every night honestly and unlike a lot of people.. I remember my dreams. i closely relate to them in my life, and whats going on because they ALWAYS seem to let me know how i really feel about things. I'm BIG on dreams, and since I know what usually happens after I dream.. this all has me real anxious lately...

Every night, for about 2 weeks now... I dream about someone. What's amazing to me is how these dream don't come to me in forms of memories, or unrealistic situations like most.. There just dreams where I happen to be with this person, and sometimes even telling them how much I dream about them. In these dreams I'm not usually explaining how much I miss or love this person. Instead, theres this setting of an awkward tension between us both. Every time something around me changes, or I feel a certain way.. I'm literally feeling it all in these dreams.

I expected a lovey dream, perhaps even a sad one with them. But in these, there's this deep feeling of myself being lost, but with them being there.. for at the same time. It's almost like even in my sleep, I cant seem to comprehend whats gone wrong between us both. So even in my sleep I'm lookin for answers except I happen to be standing next to them. Even in my dreams, I'm not worried. I stand, sit, sleep... with them. not enjoying the dream, but wondering what I'm doing there. and not wanting to leave at the same time.

Sometimes I even know that I'm dreaming but they don't, so i find myself playing along and letting things happen. What I cant seem to understand is how I can be already asleep, yet subconsciously asking myself what it all means while its happening.

I'm searching for answers in the one place we usually go to escape them..
sleep.

Other times, it all feels too real. the emotion is such a clear picture of everything I need to feel at that exact time. Everything I would feel and everything I ever have. So real, I sometimes tell myself that its finally what all the dreams were leading up too. Then I wake up and realize it was another one, just another one of these dreams. And, then I'm anxious for answers... all over again.

Overdue..

A bit.

Blogging before I smoke because afterwords these suppressed thoughts will be long gone.

So it took a piff session and 30 min train ride home at 1am last weekend for me to realized I've always loved the summertime.. but i wasn't coherent to ask myself an obv. question so I waited 7 days later and thought...

when the fuck am I going to start loving this one? hmph.
(its funny how so many things can change within a year)

Seeing old love interest always bothers me. Never because i miss them, but mainly because its weird. I mean picture standing in a room. Relatively filled with people you've known for a while, with the exception of a few new faces. And then theres that one person, the kid standing next to the girl you played barbies with in your basement when you were 9, yeah. He's seen you naked.

Because that's not weird?

Also at the point in my life, wherever that may be.. seeing an ex- whatever just pisses me the fuck off. I know it probably shouldn't but it does.

standing near someone there was once "love" with is just wrong.
pretending we don't want to ask each other a million questions, even more wrong.
not just asking them... wrong wrong wrong.

what I'm basically saying is that in a few years I'll be able to stand next to him at a party and drink my absolute like wow, this is tummy, someone bring me a hat to vomit in? how about if I ever so happen to run into him at any type of function.. I'm assed out.

there's my update.


Ps. to all those questions about that song i blogged about its by J.Cole his mixtape is called 'The warm up' def. worth a listen.