untitled emotions...

I run from my own anger. This is.. was me. I can be happy about the beautiful things in my life. The small things that make me happy, and those tiny emotions where sometimes I actually feel like every thing's going to be okay. Its not what life throws at us, those aren't the hard things. I've noticed things are okay when I allow them to be. When I stop trying to push towards what I think I may need, or want. I'm always wrong. We're always wrong. The hard part is allowing things to be fine, allowing things to be good.

Your scared of something good because having something good means you have something to loose. Having something good means you'll have to work to keep it. Having some thing good means you may have done some thing right.

Taking the train home yesterday, a homeless man sat next to me. He smelled, and had no teeth. But when I say this man made me smile, smile from my heart. He rambled on and looked to everyone else on the train like a crazy man bothering a bunch of kids.. he told us he had his music and I kept eye contact with him. I stared into the face of a man who to anyone else looked like he had nothing.. and I envied him. I watched him sing, sing a Beatles song. while everyone else on the train closed their eyes or laughed at him. A part of me wished I could be at peace with myself. And there was this man, this dirty homeless man, smiling a smile with no teeth.. & I couldn't help but smile back. I couldn't help but share one of those tiny little moments where I felt like everything was going to be okay.. I felt like every single thing we all think we have to be angry about, everything single feeling we've ever wanted to not feel.. at that moment I could let go of them and listen to this old man on the 6 train at 8pm sing his life to me.

As much as I hate to many ANYTHING about you anymore, I'm tired of feeling like I'm clinging to a distant memory that's long gone. Yes I'm still dramatic, sensitive, completely in love, overly caring person that i never showed you. I'm still that person. I'm scared to show someone else because I fear they wont deserve what I've worked so hard to keep safe. I wanted to show you. I also want you to know I remember.. I remember telling you that I was sorry for never being able to show my appreciation of the things you were trying to do for me. I remember telling you how hard it was for me to show that side of me to anyone. I remember telling you to look at me, how could I appreciate what your trying to do when I'm so angry at my past, & I don't even know why.


So maybe this blog is about 'you' & what was.. About my past that has made me into the person I love and at times hate at the same time. The only man who's everything was enough to make me smile, and that girl.. the girl who taught me how to appreciate, and more importantly to forgive.

We have been separated for so long and having a broken heart takes a lot to get over. she's impacted me so much.

I just miss you.