untitled .

i will mean everything i say, from this point on.

our relationship is diseased. i am constantly driving myself insane picking my brain, figuring out how to make this work. us work. one minute were fine and the next its complete chaos. fighting and bickering -- whats the point. why fix something that's so damaged.

why?

love. love is by far the most overwhelming emotion there is. sadness falls right below. the only thing about sadness is that it get easier with time. love, its always there. when you truly love someone they become apart of you. i wish i could tell everyone who i have ever loved; i was mistaken. this is love.

love is rare, true love is. it changes, it hurts, it endures, it fades, it grows, it leaves a mark, it makes us different people. but its right there. regardless of what ever choices you make.. real love doesnt leave you.

sitting next to her as im tying this.. she's never ONCE left me.

from the moment i met her 3 years ago until now i have never been so focused on one thing my whole life. my heart has never been so devoted. those night arguing into tears. tears into nausea. we had made each other sick. unable to breathe. unable to sleep. unable to eat. repeatedly saying "your not good for me" crying in my arms. while i hold it all in for her, for us. crying to her when i have never cried to anyone my entire life. showing her every emotion i had tried my +20 years to hide. giving her the most fragile part of me. & with that i realized i couldnt have possibly been more in love with her. those nights falling asleep on the phone with while she was a million miles away. from falling asleep with me on the train on my way home at 3am. to now, spending our days in bed together. memories i have with her i will never forget. her face is embedded in my mind. & her laugh is the soundtrack to my life. she makes me feel like i have everything in the world.

i cant imagine my life without her.

how can i let go of something so sacred. something so valuable that is yet gaining the potentional to be so damaging. i feel myself at a cross roads.. what do i do now. i have moved my life from Brooklyn to Arizona and ultimentally to Seattle. with hopes of starting my life, with her. i think to myself sometimes, who would do this?

India.

our fucked up parts about our past is what makes us so strong. real love has no limits and no options. realizing that youll be together until your no longer breathing. love is overrated, that sex love. or that i tolerate you merely because your here & your avaiable love. isnt true. i tend to question myself and my motive in this relationship. but the answer always come to me quickly.

because i love her.

were toxic for each other. we've change both individually. her wants collide with mine. playing ball overseas..? another country, new places. new faces. new life. but me, i've moved a world away. different fucking time zones. for us to work. hoping for a guarantee. that shes in it just as much as i am. apologizing for the mistakes made; letting her know here the hell i am. yet its impossible to get. waiting, for nothing. what do i do? go left or go right. walk away from love. the real deal. but i can imagine walking away from it. constantly wondering, what would i be really leaving behind?