love .

there are so many ways i've changed. it amazes me to think that my whole out look on everything has changed, and for what? a girl? it amazes me to know that at one point she hated me for playing with her feelings, afraid to admit i felt the same way.

the tables have turned
but still, i could never hate her.

inside of me i knew it was always there, waiting to be let out. no one has ever pushed it the way she did. she showed me with pain that i had to stop pushing the good people away. the people like her. she knew i'd eventually need her, and i do. i need her, and i need to know were going to be okay.

she's just like me, and thats why i wouldnt let her in.
because i knew what i do to people who let me in,
i leave them.

every part of my body feels different now. the never ending apologies i could give out for everytime ive ever lied about my feelings. before i wasnt sure the state of my heart, because at times i didnt feel it. now every part of it lays in pieces too small to put back together.

i've got to start from scratch.

i promised i'd never allow to hurt over anyone ever again, so i find myself angry at me for doing this to myself. when all is said and done, i was never in love before. so no promises have been broken, just the cold truth presented. we will have to deal with this. the first time feels like forever, they say. the first time is always remembered, they say. but what about the pain in a relationship, when does it go away?

laying in a bed with her, we made.
this time we promised to changed.

never been in love before. so i find myself picking at these feelings, itching and figuring them all out. i need to stop. now im wanting to destroy everything i ever wrote for every girl i've never loved, because i was sadly mistaken. theres no longer any room in my mind for anymore almost loves, this time i feel myself getting crushed. i find my old self fighting the new me, the new person she helped me created and has the potentional to leave alone to find my own way. this time i can feel it in my stomach. taste it in my mouth. my eyes wet everytime i blink, fighting back tears of possibility real loss.

i wasnt the worlds greatest bitch, those were lies and covers.
i was hurting the who time, & was too ashamed to admit she had
captured a part of me no one else ever could.
it wasnt my pride, it was fear.

i find myself asking "what happeneds if i let her in and she leaves?"
"what terrible emptiness will tear open then..?"

i've always been too hardheaded to admit that loss isnt equivalent to the beginning. "i was okay before, so ill be okay now." more lies. after is a eternity, now doesnt end. before is over, beore has become memories that visit me while im in bed sleeping next to her, wanting thing to be okay. no, ill never be the same, but i wish i could show everyone all that we've been through, everything that got in the way and how much we love eachother still. maturity and change have showed me that no ones opinion matters. no ones point or wants are important, just mine. regardless im not longer lying to myself. i love everything from the way the girl smells to the way her hands feel. whatver love is, i've got it. i caught it. & im starting to tell the truth. thats proof enough.