I'll be my OWN lifeguard .

At times I get into these funks.

- HUGE fight with my sister, about school & dance. she happends to be the closest person to me.

- this mess with "her" were not speaking. its good, yet there's no closer.. 3 years & were not speaking.. WTF?

- I'm having a problem getting my thoughts together (everything is everywhere)

I have these AMAZING friends who step in and remind me how things where before "her". Before this change, and how some of them miss the old India. I understand them all, but I cant help but feel like im listening from underwater. Like they're all so far away & all I ca here is what I want. Not even the warnings because I've passed all of those.

I'm already drowning.

which is why i'm glad I have this. A place to put how I was feeling down, and let some people who might be feeling down, and let someone who might be feelingn the same way read it. maybe even get some advice, since im just one gigantic cry for help lately.. but, whats funny is how all this blogging has done for me is show me how vulnerable i've made myself. (another huge change, thanks to her) Reading my own writing is amazing. Almost like reading the feelings of somoene i've lost touch with. Sometimes I even stop and think.. I didnt even know I felt that way.

I dont know where my head is lately, But I do know where its not. Its not with my family, Its not with my frends, and Its not with me. Enough is enough, I'm not avoiding the pain anymore.
Theres nothing left to avoid, I've nevefr been so hurt in my life. I've never wanted to fix something so broken so badly. Walking away from this is now going to hurt, But it wont kill me. Its going to hurt the same way it hurt everyday for the past 2 1/2 weeks. & guess what...

i'm still breathing.